Updated: May 24, 2019
Looking at videos of me ten years ago when I thought I was too fat, too thin, too dark, too light, too freckly, too blah blah blah - and I was beautiful. I was young and had lots of energy and didn't know it. Just like now. In ten years time I will look to me now and laugh that I had no idea of what I held in my hand.
There is only now....and now...and now... and all nows happen now. She's still here looking in the mirror with me as is the me in the future.
I've spent ten years dying my hair and feeling the shame of having white hairs springing out from under my not-so-well managed birds nest of a hair do. Natural hair dye kits have been guest listed in my bathrooms for a decade and my scalp has endured an outrageous amount of bleaches, dyes, natural hair dyes, chemicals, paints, heat and sun and here I am looking in the mirror at the one who was worried about three or four white hairs and her cheeky sparkle is still sparkling.
What is this thing called time. It steals my child, just as I think I'm getting a handle on where we are at, time kicks in and he's changed, transformed, grown. Time steals my days unless I'm in the forest. It's flying so fast and I spend so much time chasing it. I chase time. What does that actually mean in the grand scheme of anything.
Time. I've spent so much of my time trying to cram so much into it to make things work or to feel right or to feel real and now what's important to me is to really find out who I am. Who I truly am. I want to know what my favourite foods are. Not the ones I just eat every week because that's what there is but what I love to eat, I want to know what a book would be like if I wrote it, what a painting would look like if I painted it now. I want to know what its like to swim with my son in a warm ocean. I want to know who I am and how I like to do things.
I've begun a new phase it seems in life and its coming through thick and fast. It feels like everything is changing and everything is slowing a little in me whilst everything around me is speeding up. I'm falling in love with the seasons. My seasons.
There's a melancholy to me that's always been there and now I'd like to see what album she would really love to write. Unashamedly.
My hair is thinner, my body older, my face is aging and in ten years I'll look back to today and think about how I didn't know what I had. Strange. Please don't get me wrong with this - I'm only pondering all of this now in this moment and its good to assess and wonder. I'm not sad about any of it - just learning to go with it.
I'm learning to like me - its taken a long time. I'm learning to see me. I'm choosing to find me. I'm starting to love me. It's taken many lifetimes in this one lifetime of mine and so many incarnations of painful trauma and trauma release and finally, I'm learning to want me. I'm listening. Do I like coffee because it makes me get more stuff done or do I really like coffee? Do I miss dancing? I do? Well, I'd better do something about that then. Do I want to dress up more often? I do? Well, I best get designing some lovely pieces for my new silvering hair then. It's time to find out who I am now. Who am I really?
David Bowie said aging was an extraordinary process where we become the person we always should have been - I see this. I'm going to find out who I am now. I'm going to see how this version of my body likes to move, what these tastebuds prefer, what this voice likes to sing, what these eyes love to see, who this heart loves to love, what this mind likes to invent and what this creative wants to create. It's strange though - I no longer have the drive to do it - I just think i'd like to give it a go now.
Feels like a new me is coming through and the cracking of the shell is painful but necessary. There's a freedom to this though. It's amazing to not worry about what my hair looks like because it doesn't really matter, the silver is just growing out and I surrender and am curious now and what matters to me is the condition of it and nourishing it and loving it. There's a liberation to being able to not worry about whether my eyes are sagging or not because they definitely are so, and I'm committed to learning to love them. Its quite funny - I spent a few months thinking I maybe wasn't resting enough because I was waking up tired every day and then realised that's what sagging eyes feel like. Must find a new graceful word for sagging so I can reframe that too. Hmmmm... reframing is definitely key. Its like reframing opens new doors and healthy ways to loo at aging.
There's a wisdom coming through and I can feel it. It's making it's way into my thoughts, my answers, it's making it's way into my choices, the company I keep, the songs I listen to, the books I read and the ones I don't.
We don't speak of this enough as a society. There is a grace to this. I can see it in many and I am enjoying the process of learning how to step into that.
Thank you for reading. Please leave me a message if this brings up anything in you - I would like to know. Good night xxxx